ups and downs.
I went to a bikram yoga class yesterday for the first time in about a week and a half. My partner came to visit me (we live in different cities) for two weeks, and in the last couple of days while he was here I didn’t go to yoga. Then after he left I fell into a depression. I spent as much time as possible lying in bed, feeling utterly horrible and eating lots of terrible food (and then telling myself what a piece of shit I was for doing all of those things.)
I almost didn’t even go to class yesterday. I had been beating myself up for leaving it so long between classes. I felt guilty and ashamed about not going. I guess I rarely stop to question the negative way I think about myself, but I did.
“Stop it, Louise.” I said to myself. “Sure, you haven’t gone to yoga in a while. You’ve been feeling like crap. I’m not making excuses for you, but it happens. It is not something you should hate yourself for. If anything, when you’re at your lowest, you need to be gentle on yourself. One class is better than no classes, today is better than tomorrow.”
And I went. I was really glad that I did, too. It was a great class. I thought that I would do really terribly because I had been away for a while, but I feel like I went alright. Michael, an owner of the studio, was taking the class. For the first time, I noticed what a gentle and encouraging teacher he is. He finished the class by addressing all those who had sat some of the postures out. He said, “I honour that. You are listening to your body.”
That got me thinking about what my Mum (or maybe my friend MPM) might refer to as ‘negative self talk’ or some other cognitive behaviour therapy buzz word. I usually think of it as more of a ‘realistic understanding of the true nature of things self talk.’ But Michael’s comment made me pause. It made me recognise two of my negative thought patterns, not just in class, but in life.
First: I beat myself up a lot. I’ve only ever made it through two classes without sitting out at least one posture. I have never honoured myself for sitting a posture out. I have always hated myself for it. I have always felt weak, guilty, not-good-enough and self-conscious. Why? Am I so fucking special that I alone have to complete the class perfectly every time? Why don’t I extend the same generosity to myself as I do to others? Why shouldn’t I honour myself and listen to my body? I think the answer is that deep down, I don’t think I am worth it, don’t believe I deserve such frivolous niceties. But maybe I can work on trying to convince myself that I am worth it.
Two: This one is tied into all of the above^^ junk that I’ve got going on inside me. I feel that maybe I’m talking myself out of doing postures that I could do. That my negative self talk is pre-emptive. ‘You’re a failure, you’re weak, you can’t do it, just sit down.’ I want to try and work on finding my self-belief and my inner strength. I’m pretty sure this is exactly what I do with school work, too. It’s much easier not to try than try and (possibly) fail, so I give up before I’ve even started (why bother when I’m just going to fail anyway?).
In other news, I’m going to go see Atmosphere at the hi-fi tomorrow! I’m so fucking excited!
